I have this problem that some of you may be familiar with, and I know some of you actually share. You see - I'm a PLEASER. I mean, I live to make people happy.
Well, maybe that isn't putting it exactly right. What I really do, or want to do, is whatever it takes to get a person out of an impossible situation.
It's my specialty, my goal in life. I think I watched too much tv in the 80's and actually grew up believing that "Difficult takes a day. Impossible takes a week." Well that, and that I could really fix anything, especially if I just had enough duct tape. (Not physical anythings, you understand. I mean the figurative "anything"s, like starving children in Africa and World Peace.)
And frankly, it's exhausting.
Just lost your job? I'll get you an interview. Car broke down? I'll loan you mine. Spent all your money on schtuff and now can't pay your bills? I have some extra. Car get towed because of your outstanding fines and driving on a suspended? I'll come pick you up. Sleeping in your car because you've spent all your money on drugs, and your loser ex won't pay for diapers (or food) for your kid and you can't hold a job and neither can your current beau? Move into my basement and I'll take care of everything for 8 months.
Have you done any of those things? If so, you can join the new club I'm starting... it's called the "If you have a sob story that could get Oprah to cry, Dr. Phil to yell, or Jerry Springer to laugh, I am the sucker that will bend over backwards to help you out until you literally suck the last bit of breath from my shriveled body" club. Oh, the name is too long? Ok, how about the "I'm a SUCKER" club.
Because honestly, every single one of those things? Yeah, I was the sucker. And all for the same person.
My problem is that I want to save everyone. Seriously. I sometimes think that I could probably fix every problem in the entire world, if I just had a little more cash, 9 more hours in every day, and a pack of gum, a Swiss army knife and a safety pin (hey, have you ever seen MacGyver? That man could do anything with gum and a safety pin!).
The bigger problem? I try really hard to fix things, but always, and I mean ALWAYS, forget that people are people, and will usually end up disappointing me yet again. Except the blood or legal relatives in my house. And most of you that read this.
I just need to learn when to say ENOUGH.
I've been practicing. I have. I stand in front of the mirror some mornings before heading off to work and say things like "I will not buy anyone food today, except my daughter", or "No matter how many times that person texts me, I am not going to stop off and get them ANYTHING and drop it by their house on my way home".
I actually did it the other day. I was working. When I got off work, I had a text message that said "Could you please buy me cigs and drop them off on your way home tonight? Thanks."
And I actually replied "Sorry. Not today."
I was very proud of myself. And then I had guilt for days.
So how do you say "No" to people? Any suggestions? If so, leave them in the Comments.
Otherwise, leave me your sob story. I'm pretty sure, with just a SA knife and a roll of duct tape, I can fix it.
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6 comments:
I don't. Say no, that is. I really need to though. I had a friend ask me to keep her 3 kids over night Friday, but I don't want to. It's Good Friday, and we do a lot of family things. Plus, Jim is working overtime (they are getting ready to do another lay-off yet he's working overtime, go figure).
I've been sick over trying to figure out how to tell her I can't without hurting her feelings!
My sisters call and I help them out. My "NO" trigger is broken, I think. Maybe we can use your duct tape and figure out how to fix our NO reflex.
I used to be like that. Then I realized that I was so busy putting other people first that I was falling apart. Literally. So I started out slow and said no to the little annoying things that were really inconvenient and didn't really want to do. As that got easier I started saying no to people who didn't appreciate my help. Then I moved up to people who didn't have my best interests at heart. It's along road and I do occasionally have trouble saying no. When I think about how much healthier I am(emotionally, physically and mentally), it makes it easier.
Have the same problem. One of the reasons we will have 5 teenage girls next school year. I dont know if I will ever learn because I just cant turn my back on people.
Take it one day at a time. Like KF up there you start saying no to little things. You will eventually feel less guilty.
Eidlhe aka CB Pam
First of all, can I just say how happy I am your back blogging??
Second of all, the trick that helped me learn to say no was this: Whenever I am tempted to say yes to someone, I think what that will cost the ones I love. Not me, but my kids, my husband, my mom; whoever's needs I will have to put aside or defer in order to take on the news responsibilities a Yes will entail.
It worked. I'm not able to say No for myself, but for them, I was able to.
You're!! You're back blogging. Gawd, I'm a writer, you'd think I could do better than that!
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