Yes, I'm still alive.

But barely.

I haven't posted here in months, as you well know. I haven't posted a damn thing over on the book blog either. Not since Nationals last year. Not since I left San Francisco.

Why?

Well, life just sucks you up sometimes. Then when it gets done - it spits you out. That's how I've felt for a bit... well, months, actually.

But hiding out from friends, the people that actually give a damn about how I am doing? Not really the answer. So I'm back.

Quick recap on life over the past 8 or so months...

RWA Nationals was FABULOUS! I haven't had so much fun in ages. I shared a room with Kristan Higgins, and it was truly one of the best weeks I've ever had. I had a great agent appointment, I went to the HQN party, I almost got killed in a cab. It left me refreshed and oh so excited about writing again. Then I came home.

My Grams was diagnosed with lung cancer. She didn't tell me. Actually, I didn't find out until Gret's b-day, when I called to let Gret talk to her. Her phone was disconnected, but I'd just spoken with her a week earlier. I called my cousin and he told me that she'd been diagnosed and her oldest daughter had taken her from Oklahoma to Louisiana for treatments and - get this - surgery to remove half her lung on my birthday. I called the hospital and was told that she didn't want to speak to me. I tried for days, and finally the other aunt called me and screamed obscenities at me over the phone, telling me I was horrible, etc. It was a rough time, and it didn't end well. I spoke with Grams only briefly, once over the summer, then didn't hear from her for months.

I left my job in NoVa and came back to the store where I started. Such drama in that move, and I don't want to go into it all. It was rough to leave, and harder to come back here, but it's all worked out for the best. My new boss is AMAZING. I totally love this man - he's got a training background, treats me like a peer, respects my opinion, and doesn't go ballistic when I turn into a Mama Bear regarding one of my new hires.

I finished my book, ALMOST SOUTHERN. Oh yes I did. I finished the damn thing and then tossed it under the bed. I would have buried it in the backyard if I didn't think the dogs would dig it up and leave it as a gift for me on the front porch. Please don't ask me to send it to you, because really? I HATE THAT DAMN BOOK WITH A PASSION, and every time someone asks about it - I want to vomit. I know I'll feel better about it some day. I know I will. But right now? yeah, please don't mention it.

My kids grew. A lot.

Christmas came. And went.

My Grams passed away. Ohmygawd, I can't believe I'm actually saying it. But she did. And it hurts. Really bad. Backtracking a little, evil aunt did call and tell me to bring the wee ones to Louisiana immediatly. So I literally left work, drove straight home, packed a bag, loaded them up, and drove 26 hours straight to get there. We were there over New Year's and it was nice. I thought it was a great visit. Grams was doing good, considering. But it was hard to see her. She just didn't look like herself, she was disoriented, she didn't know me. Rough times. But it seemed to be good with Evil Aunt. Then Grams passed away 10 days after we left, and all hell broke loose again. We were explicitly told by the Truly Awful Aunt that if we showed up for the funeral, she would call the cops and try to have me arrested. It was High Southern Drama, of course. This stems from my mother being the baby of the family, and the older two daughters being very jealous. So when my momma passed away, they just transferred all of their vicious hate and blackheartedness to me. Now keep in mind that I've been here in Virginia for over a decade. They live in Louisiana and Texas, while Grams was in Oklahoma. I drove out to visit Grams at least 2-3 times every year, taking the wee ones on that trek very often. Neither of them visited her since my momma passed away in 2001. I'd gone out there 14 times. I took care of everything from calling the plumber to renewing her car tags to calling the DirecTv people for her, and ordering her meds online, etc. That was my momma's job, and I just took it over when she passed away. I loved my Grams, y'all know that. She was all I had left of my family, at least the women, and it meant so much to me to have her in my life.

So did I do a slow spiral into that long dark tea time... ummm... why yes, I did. And it's been a struggle and a climb to get back from there. I just have SO MUCH ANGER in me, and I don't know what to do about it. I basically quit everything - quit checking my blogs, quit writing, quit reading, if you can believe that (well, except for Kristan's newest book - which was FABulous!! btw). Gained a ton of weight. Grew bitter. Ack. Sounds like a soap eh? Or maybe one of those cheesy Lifetime movies.

This is part of my therapy. I'm trying to ease back into life again. I will make myself blog. It might not be pretty. I doubt I can pull off those happy ray of sunshine up the ass posts I used to be able to manage. It might get dark and dismal. And I am definitely going to change my colors from pink to something else. But I will be blogging. At least here. I don't know if I'll go back to the book blog again. After all of the crap with that last year, I just don't have the heart for it anymore. Maybe I'll go back to doing those posts over here. We'll see.

But the point is - I'll be here. As often as possible. Except next week. I'm heading out of town to Cape Cod, for a writer's weekend. I'll be thinking of every last one of you while I'm there.

Oh yeah - one other thing...

I've already started my new book. And it is SO MUCH BETTER than that other one. I may post a scene here soon.

Thanks for hanging in here with me!