Monday, September 14, 2009

A good man...

She seems to be feeling the tiniest bit mercenary today. But I understand. Or at least I think I do. She was devastated. She was abandoned. And now she's adored. But there is a day coming when that might not be enough...

I only ever wanted a good man.

Ok, that's not true exactly.

I wanted a man that was good. At everything.

I wanted a man that would notice when I changed my hair. I wanted a man that would tell me I was beautiful in the morning, before I even brushed my teeth. I wanted a man that would hold me close in the middle of the night when the demons from my past threatened the peace of my sleep. I wanted a man that would be kind and decent to my children.

I wanted a man that would LOVE me.

It's funny, in all of my dreaming about this good man, I thought a lot about what he would do for me, how he would feel about me, how much he would care about me. I don't think I ever expected to find him, really.

I think I did that on purpose. I created this checklist in my head of all of the traits that I was sure that no single man could possibly have. I wanted him tall, but not too tall. I wanted him to have a killer smile. I wanted him to hold doors and carry heavy things and never curse around me. I wanted him to want me with a longing and a fierceness that was so intense, so overpowering, it would never stop. I wanted him to feel about me the way I'd once felt about someone else.

I think part of it was self-protection. If I wanted all of that, and nobody could possibly be all of that, then I wouldn't ever fall in love again. I was safe. I could stay buried deep inside of myself, and never have to risk hurting again.

Then a very good man walked into my life.

He was everything I'd always dreamed of. And more. He was handsome, and kind, and chivalrous. He was gentle with animals and so loving with my kids. And he adored me. Totally worshiped me. It was charming.

Funny thing that.

In all of the years that I'd dreamed about that good man, one thing never occured to me. See, for all of those years, I'd buried myself deep inside of me. I'd hidden my heart from the world, from every single soul on earth except my children. I never wanted to feel the pain of abuse, the agony of watching the person I loved walk away from me. I'd made two very bad choices. One of them had almost killed my body. The other one had almost murdered my soul.

In all of the years that I'd dreamed about a good man, I'd forgotten about one thing.

If I didn't give him my heart, I'd never be able to love him back.

Did I even want to try?

Or was it enough just to live with his devotion?

Didn't I, for once in my life, deserve to be the one that was adored?


jennifer said...

Someone out of your comfort level.
A character pulling you in uncharted directions and ways unexpected.
Can't wait to see where "she" will be taking you on this ride.
This is really going to be excellent.

dee said...

Exactly. She is WAY out of my comfort level. It's funny though, because the original idea was started because of something in my own life. I was dealing with a situation, and I started thinking about how it could have been different, how thing might have turned out different had I been a totally different person. What kind of person would it take to make decisions that would end up so far off of mine that it was practically unrecognizable? And SHE just popped into my head, fully formed, drawling out her story to me. Not the same story as mine, but with certain similarities (crazy mom, moved around a lot, abusive first husband). Her differences though? Man. I just don't know if I get her enough to write her as well as she deserves.
Or maybe I'm afraid that I get her too well.
Who knows?
But what a journey it's turning out to be...

jennifer said...

Just thinking about her - one reason I do like her is because she is trying to be honest about her past and the feelings related to her history.
A very difficult thing to do in real life as well as fiction.

dee said...

Yeah, that's part of what's tripping me up. She's finally decided to be honest with the other people in her life. She's been honest with herself, for the most part. Now she has to face all of the fallout. It will be fun to see how this all plays out...