Tuesday, August 08, 2006

When there are no words...

I think Charity might have used that as a title not long ago. If she did, then I'm sorry to duplicate it. I just have to blog about the past few weeks, and that seemed most appropriate to me.

What do you say to people that are going through a tough time? I mean, I can remember when my mom died. Well meaning, well intentioned people tried to offer words and prayers and condolences. I know they meant well, but sometimes I just felt like screaming at them. I mean, THEIR mom was still alive, what the hell did they know about my pain? Not a damn thing, that's what. People would use the whole "She's in a better place" and I think "Piss off, I want her HERE!" They would say "Well, at least she didn't suffer" and I'd think "Screw you, *I* am suffering enough for us both!" Really, I don't know if anyone could have said anything that would have eased my pain. The best people, to me, were the ones that just opened up their arms and held me close, and didn't complain when I just clung to them for a while.

But if you have a friend that life smacks around, what do you SAY to her or him? I mean, what words of comfort do you use to let them know how much you want to take their pain from them? I ask because I've been dealing with this A LOT recently. And sometimes, I just can't find the right words. As a writer, that disturbs me. I think it may be because I can CONTROL things in my stories, and I can script things like words and emotions. I don't have that power in real life, though I often wish I did.

Charity has suffered some mighty tough blows recently, and I feel like such a loser when it comes to offering her support. I think it may be because I remember how totally raw I felt when I lost my Gramps, and nothing anyone said could make it better. Time worked its magic, and eventually those words said in love brought comfort, but not right away, and rarely when said.

Cherry Red just suffered a loss, and it breaks my heart. I can't imagine a day without my little Hershey, and I haven't even had him a year. I only hope that she knows how brave I think she is for doing what had to be done. And I hope that she finds some comfort.

My friends around here have been going through the schtuff too. One of them just lost a baby to miscarriage. I know that pain, yet I don't have words of comfort for her. All I could do was hug her, because I know there really are no words to make that one better. Another friend just had her newborn undergo surgery to remove pressure on his brain. He's doing well now, thank God. But while it was going on, all I could do was squeeze her hand and cook meals for her family.

Last week, one of my best buds was diagnosed with breast cancer. That sent me reeling. This woman is one of the classiest, strongest, brashest chicks I know. I luvluvluv being around her, because she's such a genuine, honest, FUN person. I spoke with her on Sunday about her diagnosis, and she had me laughing so hard it hurt. I mean, even knowing that it's pretty serious, she REFUSES to stop laughing. She told me that if she stops laughing, she'll start crying. I can't tell you how much respect and admiration, AND LOVE, I have for this woman. She was the other adult with me at Relay For Life back in May. She hung out all night with me and the teens. She walked with us, ate with us, laughed with us, and guarded Michele's Luminaria like it belonged to her own family, just because Michele is a Cherry and she knows how much that means to me. Now I'm wondering what I can do for her. I've offered to drive her up to Bethesda and sit with her through chemo. And next Monday, Gret and I are going in to get our hair chopped short with her and her daughter. The docs suggested she cut it before chemo, so it won't be such a shock if it starts falling out. I'm telling you right now, if she loses her hair, THIS chick is going bald with her. I figure - it's hair. It will grow back. She's my friend, and it's the least I can do. Besides, maybe it will grow back curly, right?

Anyhow, tell me what words you use when you have a friend in pain. OR tell me what words have lent you comfort when you were hurting. Frankly, I could use some advice on this one, as lots of my peoples seem to be hurting, and this Cherry has no idea what words to use.

3 comments:

Chari-Dee said...

The best words are the ones unsaid. Silly huh? But so true. When they are near enough, you hug them. When they are too far, you pray for them. When you can you cry FOR them so that they can not. Most of all, you smile at them and love them and let them know that come hell or high water, you will be there. The strength of a good friend to help you hold your head up is more than any one could ever need.

I Love You!!!!!! You have so much stress right now too and all your friends are going through so much, too. The good thing is, we can all get through this at the same time, so we can all enjoy that huge ass rainbow that comes at the end of a HUGE storm.

Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

Dear Dee:
I don't know any words that can top what Charity just said. The best thing is the hugs and let them know you love them and will be there for them.

You remind me of Sheryl. Her best friend has cancer and when they went to an RWA Conference Kate had to wear a scarf on her head because the chemo was making her hair fall out so Sheryl wore one too. Sheryl says, as you did, if Kate's hair falls out and she's bald, Sheryl will shave her head. (Sheryl has long hair.) I think the support you are giving your friend is all anyone can ask.

Hang in there, Dee. I gather things are not going well in other places. I know from reading her blog that you are worried about Kelly too. you cannot solve all the problems of the world, dear and you cannot take them on either. Just be supportive.

Looking forward to NJ and a chance for us to talk.

Penny

dee said...

Oh Penny, that I could create a place where all of my friends could be, away from the stress and the pain of this world... But then again, God has already created that place. Yet, I am not too anxious to be there just yet, since that would mean being away from so many here. The great tragedy of life, huh?

I love you guys. You're always there to pick me up when I feel like just staying on that cold bathroom tile floor. It feels just nice there sometimes, but then one of you comes barging in to remind me that I forgot to mop it, and I need to get up and get back to work. God bless the CBs. I really don't know what my life would be like without them!