I'm a little steamed right now, and I'm going to vent. Well hell, it's my blog, and I can do that, right? Damn straight.
So I asked a question over at another blog, and it started a semi-intense discussion, and it's just got me thinking, and now I'm stewing. Well, I plan on going to the Berry Farm today, with my children AND Shane, and I really don't want to still be stewing. So it's all getting out of me now.
As some of you know, I'm very protective of my children. We took them out of public school, and closely monitor who they are allowed to spend time with. No, I know that I can't watch them every second of every day, but I'm not going to be one of those moms like my mom was. I will know where they are when they leave the house. I will know their friends, and the parents of their friends. I will know what they are reading, what they watch on tv, who they call on the phone, what sites they visit online. They don't live in a bubble, but I know who they are with when they leave my side. They have my trust until they lie to me about something. Then it must be earned again.
It was brought up that promiscuity and teen pregnancy are on the rise, and even suggested that they happen to kids that are too protected more than other kids. There seems to be an attitude that allowing your kids to do, see, or experience whatever they want whenever they want will keep them from wanting things that might not be good for them. I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with this. I mean, WTF?!?
Another part of my frustration comes from knowing that I am one of the most liberal parents in our group of friends. My daughter can watch movies and read books that most of her friends are forbidden. We talk on a very regular basis about dating, and relationships, sex and drugs, etc. Most of her friends never have those discussions with their parents. However, I don't think that those discussions mean she is ready to have sex yet, or even ready to read about it graphically.
And honestly, if she came to me and really wanted to read a certain book, I would read it first. Then I would encourage her to read it. Then we would discuss it. That's how it works in my family. I honestly can't remember the last time she wanted to read something and I told her "NO". I read everything she reads before she reads it. There have been times when she's said "Mom, you didn't tell me there was sex in that one". Well, as long as it's not too graphic, it doesn't bother me. There are a few authors that I don't think she's ready for. I wouldn't let her read the Ann Rice- Beauty books. I don't think she should be reading Lori Foster. She's not allowed to read Playboy/girl. Just about anything else is fair game though, as long as we discuss it when she's done. That's always been the rule, and it won't change now.
It's the same with the movies she watches. She's allowed more mature movies than the other kids. Jordan, the next oldest girl, is still 4 years younger, so that's a big gap. Jo is not ready for some of the themes that Gret can handle. I think it's my job, as a Mom, to know what they are ready for and what is not suitable.
Personally, I think that's where so many parents screw up. You can't build a bubble for your kids and expect that they will stay there happily. You can't protect them from everything and be surprised when they rebel, or when they leave your home at 18 and go crazy. Then again, you shouldn't expect that exposing them to sex, violence or drugs at 12 will make them immune to those things. I was allowed to read, watch, and do whatever I wanted. That meant that by 15, I'd tried drugs, sex, and booze. I was so de-senstitized to the dangers, because my mom assumed I was too smart to do anything 'bad'. I read her romance books, and thought that all guys were like those heroes, and sex would be fun. Man, I was wrong, but I didn't know that until it was way too late. I'm not going to let my daughter fall into that same trap.
As parents, we HAVE to be vigilant. We have to be open and honest with our children. We have to be prepared to make the tough choices, to say "No, you're not ready for that, I don't care if your friends are already doing/seeing it". We have to have those tough talks. We have to be prepared for answers that might shock or disappoint us. We have to be willing to listen. We have to understand that the world that they are growing up in is very different from the one we grew up in, but that doesn't mean we have to compromise our values and morals. We have to be their friends, but never stop being their parents. We have to show them love, or they won't trust us with their questions.
We have to...
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4 comments:
First of all, this may be a long comment and maybe I should just head over and post my on my own blog, but I think discussion should take place here.
Second of all, Dee, I am dying to know what the blog was where you commented. I may have some pearls of wisdom my own damn self to add.
Thirdly - My comments.
I am just like you in the parenting. I know where my children are at all times. You have to. There are far too many dangers in the world and my children are still very young at only 6 and *sniff sniff* 4 on Sunday. They are armed with a ton of knowelege already at their young ages but there is a line I have drawn as far as TMI where they are concerned. It is tough enough at their ages to just get a foothold on life without me telling them exactly why I have fears. I can site two examples where my parenting differs from many in the town 1) my son had to sit out for 5 minutes of recess because he had been running around when he wasn't supposed to. He told me this not the teacher. I told him I expected him to apologize to the teacher the next day. When he said "WHY? No one else has ever said sorry!" I explained that when he disobeyed he hurt the teachers feelings. I am NOT every one else's mom and he would apologize. He did and when he got home he smiled and said, "When I said I was sorry for not listening yesterday, Mrs. X, hugged me and said 'Thank, You. NO one has ever thought to say sorry.'" It was tough for him to swallow his pride, but he learned his lesson and an important one. No matter how small our actions seem to us, they can impact our environment and the people in it greatly.
2) My son has been wanting a friend to come over to the house and I explained that I did not know this childs parents and as soon I met them and got to know them some, he would be welcome at the house. My son tells me, a couple days later, that his friend asked his mom to meet me so he could come over and she said she didn't see why that would be necessary, there was no reason I should have to know her for me to let him spend time with my son. So, I had to explain to my son my reasoning. Why I needed to know the people he was friends with and their parents before I could condone their spending time outside of school.
Overprotective? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely. I was raised this way. There was no topic my parents would not discuss openly and truthfully with me. I'm a better parent because of this. My children may still turn out to be wild children and that is okay. They already know that if when they get older and our out with friends and feel over their heads, call us. The only time they will be in trouble is if they don't call us and end up driving drunk, or with a drunk driver, or if they do something illegal because they didn't want to stand up for what they knew was wrong.
I cannot say that the people who let their children run free and feel that a less hands on approach to parenting are wrong and I cannot say the way I parent is right for every one. It is what is best for me and my children. As to the effects of how it will shape them as adults, I have nothing but hope.
Okay, found the comment section you were talking about and am not going to add my .02. FOr one, I don't comment much on that blog and what I may say would (maybe could) be misconstrued.
I'll explain more in e-mail if you want or here if you want.
Oh, Dee, I'm sorry your initial question started such an intense discussion!
And I totally agree about being super protective, but I don't think it's the kind of protective that you and I endorse that leads to teen pregnancy. As you said, you talk to your daughter about sex, and lord knows that's something my sons and I have talked a lot about.
It's the super protective parents that WON'T talk about sex with their kids, who WON'T discuss birth control or condoms or STDs with their kids because of their belief that discussing those things plants the urge to have sex in their children. Those who try to keep their kids in that bubble. Then, once those same kids get out, they have NO context or previous intelligent discussion of the issues to fall back on for guidance, and THAT's what leaves them so exposed.
So it's not protectiveness, per se, but fostering a willful ignorance as to the realities of sex. Sort of like the whole Abstinence Only Sex Education movement. The statistics do show that teens who go through those programs do have a higher teen pregnancy rate than those who go through standard sex ed programs.
But I don't equate that with protectiveness, although I'm sure that's what the parents think they are doing.
I had two boys and I monitored what they watched, not the sex so much, but the violence especially. Their friends were watching much more violent and scary stuff long before they were. In fact, one day they were staying at a friends house while I was working, and my 7 year old called to ask if he could watch an R rated movie, just this once. Horrified, I asked what movie it was, and it was Species, the one where some alien chick has sex with guys, then kills them.
I was out of my office and on that front door step faster than you could spit. And the thing is, once I got my kids in the car and we were on the way home, they were glad I'd come to pick them up! They knew that they weren't ready to see that.
With regards to sex, in my experience, with my kids, YMMV, if they weren't ready for that mushy stuff, they signaled that pretty clearly by covering their eyes and saying Yuk!
There did come a point, just before major hormones kicked in, where they became curious, and at that point, we started expanding the boundaries of what they could watch, maybe allowing an occasional R movie or risque PG13. I felt, and still feel, that it can be smart to address their curiosity BEFORE the hormones kick in, because hormones AND curiosity hitting at the same time can be an explosive combo. ;-)
I remember once getting into an argument with my step mother. She was scolding me for not warning my kids (4 and 7) about sexual predators. She wanted me to give them all the horror stories, "to protect them."
And I argued that telling them about stuff like that was NOT protecting them. Keeping those realities FROM them was my job as a parent. It was also my job to see that they were never in danger from those types of people, which meant keeping them close at stores, watchng them at the playground, all that sort of stuff.
So anyway, I'm babbling now, but I totally hear what you're saying and really, REALLY don't think the kind of protectiveness you practice is the kind that lead to teen pregnancies.
In fact, you sound like an amazing mom to me.
I have been accused of being "too loose" with my daughter (age 14 1/2) by one of her friend's mother because I didn't give her a set time to come home from an outing with this friend and her family. I was rather shocked and hurt by this comment, since I felt that I was being accomodating by not insisting on some arbitrary curfew that might infringe on the outing--I trusted them to bring her home at a reasonable hour and I wasn't worried about it. My other daughter (age almost 13) has a friend who's mother causes me to flashback to my own youth and gives me the shudders! She obviously was raised with the "children shall be seen and not heard" mantra ringing in her ears, as was I; unfortunately for her daughter she still believes it. I managed to break free of the dictatorial regime that was my family and have chosen instead to raise my daughters as if they not only have minds (gasp) but that they also know how to use those minds! I know, pretty radical concept, but it works for me!
I need to know who, what, where, when, and why when my girls want to go somewhere or hang out with someone. That is not negotiable. However, I am not picky about curfews and whatnot yet at their ages. They don't go anywhere that it is an issue, yet. They attend a private Christian school where I attended 25 years ago, and so many of the parents are old classmates or siblings of old classmates and I know who they are related to, etc. Some of the teachers are the same also, which is nice! It is a safe environment in which they can learn and have friends that have the same value systems that we do.
The most important thing I have found is that I MUST keep the lines of communication open. We talk all the time about everything. We have talked about sex, drugs, rock and roll (well, in the youngest's case it's hip hop!) and I trust my girls to make intelligent choices for themselves. That doesn't mean that I have abdicated my position as the parent--it just means that I don't believe that I am omniscient and I respect their views and opinions about what goes on in their lives. After all, it is THEIR life, not mine. My job is to guide, teach, and support--not live it for them. If they make a poor choice, it is my job to point it out and that's when being the parent comes into play--I get final say in the matter! Not a dictatorship, but not anarchy either. Respect is important in BOTH sides of the relationship. I cannot ask for respect from them if I don't show that same respect back to them.
Just my $.02.
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